Fear and Self-loathing

March 2010

“Fear and Self-loathing” is the name of my notional book. Back in Afghanistan now – the fear is gone, I know why I’m here, and know what to do. Even if I don’t have all the answers, am not an expert, I know I can figure it out, get it done.  An Afghan National Border Police colonel took my passport at the airport for not having a visa. He took several passports – mine, the other two Americans, some Philipinos. I felt bad for them, wanted to protect them all, take care of them, but I was actually excited by the situation. Is this it? Is this how it ends – in an Afghan prison? I’m always happy to heed the call home.  Is this how I lose my arm?  I still have visions of losing my arm from the forearm down – don’t want to, just feels like it’s going to happen. I don’t know when or how – maybe just a holdover thought from seeing so many amputees. Who knows? It’s good to be back in Afghanistan, bad to be a profiteering fobit.  I should be helping the fight or the Afghan people, not wasting time here on the base.

This place gives me a chance to die, pay for my sins, and let God love me enough again to bring me home to Him. But it won’t happen. I’ll go back, keep sinning… be me… and move further from God. Why did He allow religion anyway?  It gives us something to push against. We have to push, it’s who we are! If no one told us ‘no’, we wouldn’t do wrong. But tell us we can’t, and it’s the first thing we do. Stupid people… stupid me. Why did I ever run from grace?  Now I’m doomed to live to die instead of dieing to live.

One Response to “Fear and Self-loathing”

  1. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words 2013/05/28 at 23:03 #

    perhaps you are running To (a state of) Grace….
    for Grace would be the top of those mountains we scale…
    humans are here to experience what they chose to experience…a long time ago
    I even believe sometimes I am a Spirit here living a human existence
    to allow me to remember the Grace I came from…no self help books can help
    for as we each walk in the path of our own Truth, only we can know that truth for it is experience that gives us our truths to hold close within our hearts
    only we know it…we can use words to describe and some may hear and want to be part of that truth but it has to be theirs that take they responsibility for and most will only do that if it feels could…no pain or hurt….
    everyone has the same destination we were born dying with our first breath
    we each have the same story…it is the words we choose to tell the tale of the history we unfold in this moment in time….

    this is such a provoking of thought post…or invoking?
    if you were to edit it today May 28,2013…would you?

    Take Care…

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